Rock Bottom

Looking back, this time last year was probably rock bottom for me. I was stuck in the vicious cycle of a toxic relationship, desperately trying to make it work and naively believing I could. I never made time for self care, I had no self esteem and zero self respect. I thought that making every single minute about my little boy was the right thing to do. I thought that trying to salvage my relationship with his father was what was best for my child. I thought that was what he needed. I was so, so far from ME – the real me, the fun and fearless me, the social me who had plenty of confidence and self belief. I used to think I could do anything. I still do, but at some point I must’ve forgotten, because I genuinely thought that was it. I really thought there was nothing better out there for me. Once that relationship ended I truly couldn’t imagine being really happy again. Rock bottom.

A whole year on and our lives are so different. A year on and when I look back I feel so much sadness for the person I was. Somehow in the past year I’ve found myself again. Every day is still a struggle when trying to find the perfect balance between ”Mama’ and ‘Me’ but it’s much better. Motherhood is such an indescribable, all encompassing feeling and I don’t think I’m alone in sometimes losing myself in it, falling into the trap of so often pouring from an empty cup. Honestly believing you’re doing what’s right but ending up with nothing left to give. I was on a flight recently and during the safety talk they always tell you to fit your own oxygen mask before fitting your child’s. I think this makes us feel uneasy, because surely motherhood is about putting your children before anything else, that’s the point right? But our children need us to be strong, they need us to be present and they need us to be healthy in body and in mind. This year I’ve learnt that self care is essential – not selfish, that self esteem comes from within – not from how others make you feel and that one of the most important lessons I can teach my son is to always, always have respect for himself and for his needs. How can I teach him to have self belief if I have none?



Life is hard, there are good times and there are bad, there are amazing times and there’s some really fucking awful bits. Surviving the bad makes you appreciate the good and living through the awful makes you strong enough to create the amazing. My happiness is created by me. I am in charge of how I feel every day and my attitude heavily impacts on my toddler’s. So taking the time to remember who I am is an essential part of being a mother. Giving myself the time I deserve to recharge, to replenish and to fill my own cup is something I owe to my child as well as to myself. These things are integral to raising a strong, independent, caring person because they pick up everything we feel and soak it up like a sponge. Dilan will grow up knowing he’s safe to feel and to experience all of these emotions because that’s life and it’s a beautiful thing. He will understand the importance of self care and of self confidence, he will have respect for himself and for others around him. He will believe he can do anything. Because he can. Just like his mama. 

Photography by Mr. Adam Robertson

15 Comments

  1. Dani S
    5th July 2016 / 6:37 am

    Love this and you both you and Dilan

  2. 6th July 2016 / 9:43 pm

    I like your voice – it is honest.
    Looking forward to following your blog. Fantastic images too x

    • 6th July 2016 / 11:13 pm

      Thank you Mary I really appreciate that 🙂 xx

  3. Briana
    10th July 2016 / 9:20 am

    Well said lovely. Very happy for you.

  4. 25th October 2016 / 12:19 am

    Beautiful post. I can relate so much to how you describe being in the relationship. Over two years later though and I’m still no where near the light at the end of the tunnel. It gives me hope seeing you’ve done it though x

  5. 14th December 2016 / 10:17 pm

    This is such a lovely post. I really can relate to a lot of what you’ve written. Glad your in a much better place xx

  6. 14th December 2016 / 10:41 pm

    A wonderful post. Realising you’ve changed and doing something about it is the biggest step you can make. You are amazing, strong & are an amazing mother. I can relate to a lot of this, I’m sure a lot can. We can lose ourselves as mother. Well done lovely & keep going xx

  7. 15th December 2016 / 5:18 am

    This is such a lovely post and I think inspiring to all mothers, especially those who may be going through difficult life circumstances. But I think all of us, whatever circumstances we are in, ‘lose’ a little bit of ourselves when we become mothers. We gain so much and become incredible mothers, but we need to remember who we are as women and as people as well. This is a great post. x
    Rosie @ Little Fish recently posted…Living Arrows 50/52My Profile

  8. 6th February 2017 / 10:26 am

    Lovely post, and so very true. Our children need us to take care of our own needs as well as theirs. I’m so glad that things are looking up for you. Happy Mummy = Happy Kids xx #PostsFromTheHeart

  9. 6th February 2017 / 10:54 am

    beautiful! The analogy with the oxygen masks is so poignant and will really stay with me – to be strong for out children we have to take care of ourselves. A beautiful post and I am so pleased that you have come so far xx #postsfromtheheart

  10. 6th February 2017 / 4:20 pm

    I loved reading this, not because of what you went through, but because of who you now are. And the part about the oxygen mask is completely true! I posted along the similar lines in regards to almost losing who you are, mum vs me, so it’s refreshing to read I’m not the only one who has felt like this.

    #postsfromtheheart

  11. 6th February 2017 / 8:00 pm

    This is beautifully written and from the heart. I am so pleased that you’ve found yourself again. I know that feeling when you are in the wrong relationship. I’ve been there. Taking care of yourself is so important, yet the think we are the worst for doing. Take care x #postsfromtheheart

  12. 7th February 2017 / 8:56 pm

    Beautiful. It’s so hard but really chuffed you’re slowly finding yourself. #PostsFromTheHeart.

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