Balancing

balance

Balancing. Always balancing. Attempting to stay upright and steady.

Balancing being Mum, and being Me.

Balancing his needs, mine and theirs. Balancing doing it all, and still getting it right. Balancing making mistakes, but not getting all of it wrong.

Balancing a tidy house with having plenty of fun. Balancing chores and cleaning with special days too. Balancing always offering healthy and nutritious meals without ever spending too much time in the kitchen, balancing bedtimes and routines without becoming a shouty demanding mum.

Balancing freshly stocked fruit bowls and food shopping budgets, balancing new clothes and toys without spending everything you’ve got. Balancing work with play, getting your jobs done with coping with complete exhaustion, spread so thinly trying to satisfy everyone’s needs. Balancing early mornings, late nights, and all the wake ups in between. Balancing meal plans with spontaneity, speed cleaning with hobbies – things that you actually want to do. Things that make you feel good.

Balancing the need to prioritise tasks with the awful feeling that comes with choosing which ones to let slip. The feeling of success as you finish one job, with the sinking feeling when you look behind you and see how much more there is to be done. Balancing boundaries with reasonable expectations, balancing set rules with the temptation to screw it all , let loose and be free.

Balancing feeling lost with feeling sexy, balancing the way you feel inside with who looks back at you in every mirror you see. Balancing hating your own reflection with a positive body attitude, in case those little eyes and ears are taking in everything you say.

Balancing feelings, tipping between happiness and sad, anger and elation. Always walking the thin rope in between. Balancing all your emotions and keeping everything afloat, whilst balancing all the self care they keep telling you that you need.

Self care. Balancing taking a little time for yourself with the voice telling you that you’re lazy. Battling the guilt for doing something that only you really need. Balancing taking time out with your to do list, which is getting longer and longer as you rest your feet.

Balancing your own thoughts against those of others, constantly trying to understand their points of view. Balancing your own morals while feeling empathy, balancing any upset you may feel while not wanting to cause theirs. Picking your battles, because you have to balance your energy with how many fights you undertake. Balancing your disappointment and your sadness when the people around you can’t give you what you need.

Balancing what you want to do with what you should do, balancing what you wish you could do versus what your family really needs. Balancing dreams of warm sun and sandy beaches with the washing pile, and other stark reminders of your current reality.

Balancing the need to feel loved and to feel wanted, with the feelings of being suffocated and touched out. Balancing the feelings of being lonely with never being alone, actually craving silence but then wishing for some company. Balancing the pressure to be perfect with the reality that you can’t do everything, balancing knowing that you can’t do it all with the feelings of failure that come when you notice what it was you didn’t do. Balancing the endless, unconditional love that you have for your family, with the resentment that builds up along the way.

The pressure, the guilt, the sadness and the joy. The constant search for equilibrium. The awful need to choose what to prioritise and who’s needs to meet. The persistent reminder that you’re rarely meeting your own, and the small voice in your head letting you know again that you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Balancing, spinning plates, searching for stability. Remaining upright and steady.

Don’t fall.