Lauren – There we go, it’s recording, I’m not going to fuck with it anymore.
Welcome to the podcast, that we haven’t really named, so we can’t say much about it.
It is going to be really fucking great, so please listen.
Okay, so now we are recording what do we say? How the fuck are you going to edit this?
Natasha – You know what, I dunno but I will have a lot of fun doing it, I think.
Lauren – Hello and welcome to the podcast. I am Lauren Ashley Gordon, pleasure seeker, orgasm influencer and all round, self proclaimed, bad bitch. I am going to be joined by my pal Natasha Bailie, mega babe, podcast guru and a proper funny gal.
Think of us as your new besties, and think of this podcast as meeting with old friends for a drink. Spilling all our funny life stories, life experiences and commiserating each other through all the shit bits. You are never alone and we are here to remind you of that, on the good and the bad days.
This episode is a little taster for you. This week we talk about everything from online dating to beehives, squirting along to ABBA, and licking butt holes.
If you enjoy this chaotic, no filter, vibe then please come back next week to listen to episode 1. Our podcast is shaping up to be an all rounder and that is exactly what we wanted. An oversharing, self loving, mental dump of love, relationships, life and self worth. We love it and we really hope that you do too. Thanks so much for listening and if you fancy please rate, like, and subscribe, and share it will your pals and all that other good stuff. Okay, love ya, bye.
I just feel like I have put this off for so long.
Natasha Bailie – Why have you put this off for so long?
Lauren – I just wanted everything to be perfect, but we are just going to record it and it will happen, organically.
Natasha Bailie – I can do it all.
Lauren – You can, and that is why I am in awe of you and your talent.
Natasha Bailie – Well no, because you do loads of other stuff that I would find really hard, like squirting with the Satisfyer.
Lauren – Special talents.
Natasha Bailie – The first time I squirted, it hit him in the head. It was really embarrassing because ABBA was on.
Lauren – Why?
Natasha Bailie – I don’t know.
Lauren – Sorry, can you just skip to Mamma Mia because I need that song to cum.
Natasha Bailie – Well that’s what I am now worried about, what if I can never do it again because the conditions need to be squirt perfect. How about we just talk about how our weeks have gone?
Lauren – Yeah, okay, what day is it?
Natasha Bailie – I have no idea.
Lauren – Someone is at my door, that’s probably a sex toy delivery.
Natasha Bailie – So, how many sex toys have you got?
Lauren – Right now I’m sat next to a massive carrier bag full of unopened ones that I really need to go through.
Natasha Bailie – Do you get wanking overwhelm?
Lauren – Absolutely. If I say “oh, I’ve got this new toy” everyone is like “how is it, how is it?” and I feel the pressure then to use it and to have a good experience, but I may not want to, but then I have to because it’s work. It is actually a bit weird.
Natasha Bailie – You are actually a professional wanker. How is your love life? Because I feel like you are a secret squirrel.
Lauren – People love to ask me this question on Instagram.
Natasha Bailie – It’s because you never answer.
Lauren – People are quite direct, I have had people message me before asking, who are you sleeping with? I am like, do you want his name and address? What do you want me to answer that with?
Natasha Bailie – So how the hell was your lockdown then?
Lauren – Hmmm, it was great.
Natasha Bailie – Were you in a situation-ship in lockdown?
Lauren – Yeah, it was lots of fulfilling meetings.
Natasha Bailie – So I went on Hinge.
Lauren – I quite like the vibes on Hinge, it seems quite liberal on Hinge.
Natasha Bailie – Bumble really stresses me out with their whole clock, countdown, thing.
Lauren – Yes so on Bumble, as the woman, you have to send the first message and then they have 24hours to reply. That 24 hours is too much, it’s anxiety inducing. I haven’t been on there in a while. If you switch between Tinder and Bumble, on Bumble you swipe up and down, but on Tinder if you swipe up it’s a super like. So I would swipe up on someone on Tinder thinking I was on Bumble, and it would super like someone, which is super embarrassing.
Natasha Bailie – Oh God.
Lauren – No, I’m not about that life.
Natasha Bailie – Because it was lockdown, I went on Hinge and they wanted to meet in like a telephone box, I was scared about getting Covid I didn’t also want to be scared about getting Hep C.
Lauren – Yeah, there is something about having sex where you shouldn’t be having sex, or where you might be caught having sex, that is extra hot.
Natasha Bailie – Well I had a really shit wank the other day.
Lauren – Are you finally cumming? Because you weren’t for a long time.
Natasha Bailie – I like that if you ever look back over our messages there will be me SOSing you going , well I have lost my orgasm, and then another time it will be, help someone wants to eat my arse out, what do I do?
Lauren – That was a whole thing, I had to get everyone’s input. I did a poll, should we shave our arsehole? What should we do?
Natasha Bailie – And then he didn’t even come round. I shaved my butt hole, cut my anus, so probably lucky he didn’t come if i’m honest, it was probably like Dexter’s kill room back there. He never showed up.
Lauren – That’s fucking rude.
Natasha Bailie – Honestly, ever since then I am never shaving my butt hole again.
Lauren – And I think douching, if you want to, then that’s great but I am not going to feel pressured to do things like that. If you are going to stick your penis up my bum hole, where the poo comes out, there might be a little bit of poo and you have got to be ok with that if you are going to go down there. Sorry, take it or fucking leave it and also my time is precious.
Natasha Bailie – Did you just say lick it or leave it?
Lauren – No, but I wish I had. The thing I have experienced is that most people don’t even care, I was going to say give a shit but that felt like too much of a pun. Most people don’t even care. One of my favourite facts is that when you are turned on, your tolerance for disgusting things goes up.
Natasha Bailie – I can believe that.
Lauren – So you are doing all these dirty things that, when you’re not turned on are urgh, but in the moment no one gives a fuck, and that is the beauty of messy, raw, hot sex.
Natasha Bailie – It is exhausting though, innit.
Lauren – What, men?
Natasha Bailie – Yeah, and women, let’s not generalise here.
Lauren – What is your dating profile like? What is your bio?
Natasha Bailie – Not to toot my own horn, toot toot, but it’s banging. I binge watched Bridgerton, so it is all regency Tinder, you have to put your name on a dance card.
Lauren – Like keys in a bowl?
Natasha Bailie – Yeah, so one of my prompts was, do you wanna put your name on my dance card?
Lauren – Your face, she is really proud of that one guys. How many responses did you get to that one?
Natasha Bailie – Not many.
Lauren – My Tinder bio, until this last lockdown, was just trying to get wined, dined and 69’d before Boris shuts us down. I just quite like a cheeky one liner, i’m not going to sit there and write a paragraph.
Natasha Bailie – What do you do about the people that just want to talk to you?
Lauren – I just don’t reply, i’m terrible. I will be all feeling it and will reply all evening, then the next morning I will just be like, nah.
Natasha Bailie – What is that? Because I did the same.
Lauren – I just think that at a certain time of night, I am a different person, I do and say things that morning me just would never.
Natasha Bailie – I am so glad you said that, because I am exactly the same. I’m like a fucking werewolf, I will say to myself Natasha, everything will look different in the light of a new day.
Lauren – It does.
Natasha Bailie – It still doesn’t stop me though, I will still fuck it up. Did I tell you the story about the one I kept sending tit pics to? It got to the point where I thought, I can’t do this every night, i’ve got Netflix to complete. So, I would just recycle my old tit pics and then I sent them to this boy, had a great time, then the next morning he said “i’m very sorry Natasha, but I have to stop talking to you” I was like why John? John replied “Because I know you are sending these pics to other boys”
Lauren – Noooo. How did he know?
Natasha Bailie – I didn’t know that I was dating Poirot. The reason he knew was because he had saved them to his camera roll and it didn’t say that I had taken them last night, it said that I had taken them last week. So he is Poirot.
Lauren – Fuck. To me I am just a bit like, why do you care? You must be texting other people, you can’t put all your eggs in one basket. There is a guy, I am going to be very vague here because I don’t want to out him as I do want to have sex with him but, we only know each other through Instagram, he is a friend of a friend. We chat on Instagram quite a bit but we have FaceTimed a couple of times, which is a huge deal for me because I never FaceTime or call anyone, I only text. He then had seen something on my Instagram and asked if I was having sex with someone else.
Natasha Bailie – What like right now.
Lauren – Well not at this precise moment. We have never even met in real life, we just chat from time to time, you don’t have any right to A) ask me or B) be annoyed that I might be having sex with someone else. You have got to put a ring on my finger before i’m going to stop doing that. I don’t like that vibe.
Natasha Bailie – When they think they own you and they have given you nothing.
Lauren – This is it, i’m not sitting here waiting for you mate, i’ve got a queue. I haven’t but he doesn’t know that and he won’t be listening to this so it’s fine. If he does though he will know who I mean which is embarrassing, and if that’s the case I do want to have sex with you. We have survived it though, just. I think it is really funny, we have had like a year of lockdown and that is when everyone was starting podcasts because we were all stuck at home with nothing to do, we have chosen now, when everyone has loads to do and everything is opening back up, we have decided now to do a podcast. Lots of things were already a thing, that was the problem.
Natasha Bailie – That is because it is 2021, Boris has probably got one.
Lauren – I think he has, we are very late to this bandwagon, aren’t we.
Natasha Bailie – Him and Hancock should have a podcast together because then it could be BJ and Hand Cock.
Lauren – You need to write to them and let them know, and then charge them for that diamond of an idea.
Natasha Bailie – Boris, if you are listening.
Lauren – Mate, resign.
Natasha Bailie – Because you are who she was talking about earlier.
Lauren – Do you have that on your dating thing, no Tories?
Natasha Bailie – Yeah, I just don’t believe in it. There was this one guy that Hinge kept telling me I would really like, it was like fuck you Hinge, his bio was something like, I voted to leave.
Lauren – There is never a bigger turn off.
Natasha Bailie – I actually kept matching, well not matching, but my ex, not even my ex actually we are still married, but he kept popping up and I would match with him to make him laugh. I kept saying stuff like “I love meeting new people”
Lauren – Savage. You know it’s bad when your ex husband blocks you on Tinder.
Natasha Bailie – Because you’re trolling him.
Lauren – He probably deserved it.
Natasha Bailie – Yeah. Did you know, this past weekend I had my first bit of single mum guilt, I have never experience that before. I met with a friend of a friend, she was just saying all the things she had done over the half term and I suddenly felt like I had done nothing all half term. She wasn’t doing it on purpose and she wasn’t even boasting, but inside I just really felt like I wasn’t a family.
Lauren – It is one of the hardest things, I think. I used to really really struggle with weekends, I don’t know why and I have been dealing with it in therapy, but I just had this feeling that on a weekend.
Natasha Bailie – Everyone is out.
Lauren – And they are all a family, they are having picnics, organising stuff, there was four of them having a lovely time, and then there was just me, on my own, with a toddler, which is just not a fun experience most of the time. I just wouldn’t go out, I would just stay in because I didn’t want to be around a whole bunch of fucking families feeling like a failure. Obviously I wasn’t a failure but at the time it was so difficult to not have that guilt. When I would talk about it, so many people would say that they feel exactly the same. See, we all fucking feel this way, we are all guilting ourselves about not doing enough over the half terms and Easter, I didn’t do a 6 hour fucking egg hunt with rhyming clues etc, and we are all sitting here feeling terrible about it. Why are we doing that to ourselves? We have to get a bit of a reality check sometimes, don’t we. Because everyones life sucks, don’t worry.
Natasha Bailie – Yeah. Okay. Good.
Lauren – Kids are just happy watching TV with you, they don’t need fancy stuff, infant they don’t even need you there half the time. But if you are busy, I work from home, but he really isn’t that bothered so the guilt 100% comes from us. It’s very deep. we got very deep quite quickly.
Natasha Bailie – Hey, that’s what she said.
Lauren – I hope people will listen. I want people to listen, but I want people listening to feel like this is just a chat with friends because me and you, we are so open, I talk to my friends about literally anything, I would say to them “ Hey, so I had anal sex last night and it was great” I have no filter, my friends don’t have filters, it’s great. So it only really occurred to me, a couple of weeks ago, that other people might not have that. I get a lot of messages from people saying, oh my god I could never talk to my friends about that.
Natasha Bailie – Sometimes it just helps hearing other people say it, or think it or do it.
Lauren – I think so and the more conversations we can have, that take subjects that are perhaps more taboo and make them more normalised, the is only a good thing. So I want this whole thing to just feel like you have just had a really good chat with your mates, where you have been able to talk about all these things. You know when you haven’t seen your mates for a while and you come away feeling lighter, what if people have found this podcast randomly and they are like, who are these people?
Natasha Bailie – Shit, that is such a deep question. I can’t believe we haven’t spoken about the bees.
Lauren – Aaah the bees. I have had enough of the fucking bees.
Natasha Bailie – I saw a bee twerk the other day.
Lauren – They do. So I wasn’t brave enough to get close enough to video it but they wiggle their bums to communicate, don’t we all, that’s a mood. So when they are trying to tell other bees direction, we were trying to get them in to this hive which was a box, the Queen was already inside, so all the bees were wiggling their bums to tell the other bees to get in to the box. They were all just walking along, dancing their little bums off. It was fucking incredible. So back story is, there is a bee colony living in my chimney, every May a new Queen is born and the old Queen leaves with half of her hive to go and find a new place to live. So every May this happens, but this May it happened 3 fucking times. When the new baby Queen is born she should eat the other ones, if she doesn’t eat the others then they will keep leaving because you can only have 1 Queen in a hive.
Natasha Bailie – Obvs.
Lauren – Honestly the bees have got it sorted. Did you know that bees are mostly female? All of the bees that you see pollinating are all female bees, the only male bees that exist are called drone bees, wow this is a niche topic, their only purpose is to mate with the Queen and once mating season is over they get kicked out of the hive, they can’t feed themselves so they just die.
Natasha Bailie – Woah, woah, woah.
Lauren – Because bees are elite, they are next level.
Natasha Bailie – Next level women.
Lauren – Because the women just figure it out, which I think is fucking amazing. So then the Queen bee will go out to collect her sperm, she is so big because her abdomen fills with cum.
Natasha Bailie – Dirty bitch.
Lauren – She goes out that one time and gets enough semen for her whole life.
Natasha Bailie – Because she has gone out out.
Lauren – Exactly, she is on one, she doesn’t need Tinder, she just flies through the air, collects up all their spunk and heads home with it because fuck them, she doesn’t need them any more.
Natasha Bailie – Wow.
Lauren – I saved the bees everyone, don’t panic, I didn’t kill them, I saved them. I am single handedly saving the world out here.
Natasha Bailie – David Attenborough, Greta, listen up.
Lauren – There were thirty thousand bees in that first swarm.
Natasha Bailie – Piss off.
Lauren – Yeah. Horrific. Horrific when it’s in your bedroom window and there is just a cloud of bees everywhere.
Natasha Bailie – Babe, if there is one here I am freaking out, sometimes considering moving out. So from Hinge to hives.
Lauren – Bumble.
Natasha Bailie – Thank you for listening to untitled.
Lauren – Listen, by the time this goes out it will have a name.
Natasha Bailie – Will it though?
Lauren – No. Maybe.
Natasha Bailie – This podcast isn’t the same as your bathroom walls babe, you can’t just paint it all different tones of lavender.
Lauren – I only painted that room 3 times. Oh my god, if you are not happy with the paint colour then re paint it. Life is too short to stare at ugly walls.
Natasha Bailie – Yeah, if you don’t like him, dump him.
Lauren – Lick it or leave it.
Natasha Bailie – I am about to turn 37, in July, and for the first time I just don’t give a shit, I am kinda happy about it because, years of therapy, trauma, I have figured it out man. I feel like I am in such a good place these days and surely, surely Lauren, that is only every going to get better.
Lauren – I think so. I can’t wait to have that level of self confidence, or just not giving a fuck. I wish I could go back and live my 20’s as I am now. No responsibilities, no bills to pay, yeah it was brilliant but I was so insecure, I didn’t know how to treat people, I let myself get treated terribly, the growth that you go through. Ah my curtain.
Natasha Bailie – Just for context, Lauren’s curtain has attacked her. You have actually got a breeze there. That is because you are so far north of the wall.
Lauren – The absolute chaos.
Natasha Bailie – Well the reason I wanted to make a podcast with you is because I love your content and the community you have created is incredible and I want to be part of that gang.
Lauren – Awww, I’m going to cry.
Natasha Bailie – I just think that people listening might feel the same way.
Lauren – Oh no I can see a bee, motherfucker.
Natasha Bailie – And I just selfishly wanted more of you.
Lauren – I am touched. On my worst days, on my lowest days when I don’t want to get out of bed, I have the privilege of knowing that I am not the only one feeling that way because I can go on Instagram and say it and then 100 people will tell me that they have had those days too. I want other people to feel that. I want people listening to us to feel, oh my god it’s not just me feeling like that, i’m not alone, i’m not broken. Or maybe we are all broken and that’s ok, but maybe we can have a giggle as well.
I meant to say that thing they all say, you know, rate, like and subscribe where ever you get your podcasts.
Natasha Bailie – Well, you just did that, so that’s great. Tell your friends.
Lauren – Tell your mum.
Natasha Bailie – Tell your other friends. Tell your brother.
Lauren – Tell your brother that I am single. Come back next week because we might have got our shit together by then.
Natasha Bailie – Yeah, it might be better. Love you.
Lauren – Love you. Bye.