We are the 1 in 4

*This post contains details of miscarriage and baby loss, please avoid if you will find this too upsetting*

When we decided to announce our pregnancy earlier than the usual 12 week point I repeatedly said that if the worst was to happen I would share that anyway, so why wait to tell the world. But I don’t think that I ever actually considered having to write the next few heartbreaking words. Unfortunately just a few days after we announced our lovely news things have gone very wrong, and I’m still trying to process the past 72 hours. After a weekend of light bleeding I was booked in for an emergency early scan at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit on Monday morning, and despite my pregnancy dating at 11 weeks, the scan showed a baby only approximately 5-6 weeks in size, with no visible heart beat. Although I have to go back next week to confirm, we know that this is it for certain.

I’ve felt overwhelmed by a lot of emotions since that moment. Sadness, heartache, disappointment. Confusion, anger and upset. I’ve felt a lot of guilt, especially when hearing the voices of loved ones as we’ve broken the news to them. Knowing that we’ve taken away their dream of a niece/nephew or grandchild arriving soon. I feel betrayed by my own body, how could this have happened and I had no clue?

I feel in limbo, just waiting. Waiting for my body to let go now. Waiting for the next phase of this trauma to start. With very little idea of what to expect next I feel terrified of what’s to come, terrified of how I’m going to cope with what’s to follow. Instead of batch cooking in preparation of the arrival of a newborn in August, I’m batch cooking now incase I’m not able to stand and cook dinner once the process really begins. Instead of spending the last few weeks wondering if a twinge is the start of something, I’m spending now wondering if this back ache and pain is where my miscarriage will really begin.

I also feel a lot of pressure. Pressure to carry on, to remain strong and be ok. Because life carries on regardless. I felt the pressure to get myself off of that hospital bed, get to Tesco to do a food shop and pick Dilan up from forest school just like I normally would. I felt the pressure to get dinner on the table Monday night, to do bath and bedtime like I always do. I feel the pressure to continue on as normal, as though nothing at all has changed.

Except it has. All those dreams we had of a summer baby, all the plans we had in place. All the names we’ve come up with, the clothes that we’ve bought, they are all gone now, and what’s left is just a painful reminder of what will never be.

Really I know that we are lucky. Lucky because we have a perfect four year old, who is constantly throwing his hands around my neck and giving me a big squeeze. Lucky that we have each other, and some incredible friends and family who are helping us to navigate this difficult time period. Lucky that we fell pregnant so quickly, and so I have every hope that we will go on to do that again. I know there are people out there suffering recurrent loss, some after years of trying, and my heart truly goes out to them.

I know that one day Dilan really will be the proudest big brother in the world, that one day we really will be a family of four. But just for a while, just for a minute I need to feel this. I need to feel sadness for the little baby I’ll never hold, feel angry that our dreams have for now been ripped away, feel confusion about why this has happened, why now, why to us. Feel scared of what the next few weeks will bring and how I’m going to deal with it. How I’m going to cope.

Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll carry on because that’s what we do, and life does go on. I’ll ride it out and find inner strength and survive what comes next. We will work through this together, just like we do when we are faced with any other bump in the road. But truthfully this is a bump I really wish we never had to face.

25 Comments

  1. 31st January 2018 / 8:00 pm

    So sorry to read this. X

  2. Carley
    31st January 2018 / 8:00 pm

    I truly am so so sorry for you and your family…Take the time to feel sad…it’s such a hard time, sending you virtual hugs

  3. Sarah
    31st January 2018 / 8:01 pm

    I’m devastated for you. I was so excited for you when you announced your pregnancy. This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry xxxx
    By the way I have a CMPA baby and your blog makes my life so much easier and those little treats keep me going.
    Sending you love

  4. 31st January 2018 / 8:07 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

  5. 31st January 2018 / 8:08 pm

    I am so utterly sorry for your loss. It’s just the worst experience and I just can’t find the words to describe how much I wish I could offer more than just sorry.

  6. 31st January 2018 / 8:10 pm

    I am so so sorry to hear this. I wish I could say something that could ease he pain but no words will help. I’ve been through what you are going through , we went for the 12 week scan with my last pregnancy and it has stopped growing at 9 weeks so I had to wait at home for the full MC. I had no idea what was about to happen but I can talk you through it if you want to message me privately. Sending you so much love xxxx

  7. Marie
    31st January 2018 / 8:41 pm

    So sorry to hear this and thank you for announcing your good news before the 12 weeks and also sharing your loss. It ensures miscarriages dont have to be suffered on your own and in silence.

    I suffered 2, one at 10 weeks and a “decision” to terminate at 20 weeks before we had our lovely daughter last year.

    I know you need to carry on but be kind to yourself.

    Happy to be contacted if you’d like to. Also you might want to check ARC for your options.

    Marie
    X

  8. Kay
    31st January 2018 / 9:25 pm

    Reading this feels very fresh right now, 2 weeks ago the exact happened to me. Light bleeding turned into heavy bleeding and a trip to EPAU showed a baby with the tiniest of heartbeats fading away and last week it was confirmed. Still going through the natural MC now and feeling very lost and empty xx

  9. Claire
    31st January 2018 / 9:31 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this – sending you lots of love. Your blogs and support on CMPA has helped me believe in myself as a mum so I hope some of the words provided by all these mums offer some comfort to you in this difficult time. I’m also a 1 in 4 with my second pregnancy – it wasn’t a horrid and heart breaking experience and there was no explanation why.
    Take the time you need to recover physically and mentally – it’s really important. I am blessed to have since had 2 more beautiful, happy and healthy girls so keep believing xxx

  10. Claire P
    31st January 2018 / 9:32 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this – sending you lots of love. Your blogs and support on CMPA has helped me believe in myself as a mum so I hope some of the words provided by all these mums offer some comfort to you in this difficult time. I’m also a 1 in 4 with my second pregnancy – it wasn’t a horrid and heart breaking experience and there was no explanation why.
    Take the time you need to recover physically and mentally – it’s really important. I am blessed to have since had 2 more beautiful, happy and healthy girls so keep believing xxx

  11. Catherine
    31st January 2018 / 9:45 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My first miscarriage was very similar, light bleeding at 10 weeks, scanned and discovered a 6 week sized baby. I think the worst part was waiting for it to properly start, not knowing when x

  12. 31st January 2018 / 9:52 pm

    I am so sorry. Lots of hugs for you all xx

  13. 31st January 2018 / 9:58 pm

    I am so deeply sorry, it is the worst thing I’ve ever been through personally, at such an early stage just like you, and I’m wishing you all of the strength and love in the world. I don’t know what else I can say, I wish I had the power to make you feel better but of course I can’t. Please look after yourself — emotionally and physically — and know that we are all thinking of you X

  14. 31st January 2018 / 10:11 pm

    I’m so sorry my lovely. I went through the same in July (at 11-12 weeks) and I’m here if you ever want to talk ❤️

  15. Bridget
    1st February 2018 / 7:55 am

    I’m so sorry Lauren, sending you so much love xxx

  16. Ilana
    1st February 2018 / 8:12 am

    So sorry to hear this. Sending love through this difficult time x

  17. 1st February 2018 / 1:14 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this. Our babies would have been due about the same time and I am just a few weeks into the experience you are having.
    It is getting easier, but it will be a long time before I heal fully. My body still isn’t back to normal so how long will it be before my head and heart is?
    Sending my thoughts
    EssexKate | Counting To Ten recently posted…How I Got My 1 Year Old To Sleep Through The Night (Without Leaving Her To Cry)My Profile

  18. 1st February 2018 / 2:45 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this heartbreaking news. Be kind to yourself. Sod the Tesco shop.

  19. Susie
    2nd February 2018 / 6:39 pm

    Lauren you write so beautifully and express so many emotions that so many others have sadly been through as well..

    Take the time you need to grieve and remember that is ok and you are allowed to feel all the range of emotions you are feeling.

    Sending so much love x x x

    Also 1 in 4 x

  20. Cate
    2nd February 2018 / 8:02 pm

    It never goes away, it doesn’t matter how early it happened, it doesn’t matter if you’ve already got a child or children, it was still a part of you, that soul was within your soul and you will never forget them. You absolutely do not have to continue, you absolutely do not have to be strong. You have every right to spend a week in bed if you need to, put everything on hold, and cry whenever you need to. I was prepared for the physical side of losing a baby when I realised it was happening, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional side, for the drop in hormones, for the night sweats and the random crying over making pasta. And for those stupid people who make comments about “at least…” “at least you already have a beautiful baby” “at least it was early days” “at least it was over quickly”. No. Not at least. It hurt then and it still hurts now, I will never forget my one that got away. Sending you mountains of love and strength and hugs.

  21. An old friend
    4th February 2018 / 6:27 pm

    My heart breaks for you.
    You are amazing,
    You’ve always been amazing,
    You have more than enough strength in you to get through this tragedy, you will smile again, it will get easier and you will have your family of 4!
    For now put your game face on for Dilan and take the time to be kind to yourself xx

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