It’s 1pm on a very ordinary Tuesday afternoon, and I have cried with happiness three times so far today.
I’m not saying that to brag, to make people think my life is all butterflies and flowers and perfection – because it most definitely isn’t. Life is tricky, life is tough, life is complicated – happy endings aren’t often the picture all those fairy tales have painted us.
Just last night I had a huge blow out argument with my boyfriend; about nothing and about everything, about the big stuff that makes you rage and the little stuff that eats away at you a little more every day. About insecurities, about jealousy, about our worries and fears, about our future.
So why am I overwhelmed by so much happiness today? Because we had an argument, we raised our voices and both said our piece, and released every bit of pent up emotion we had been holding back. And after that, we looked at each other and we knew it would still be okay. We said sorry for the bits we got wrong, and we promised each other that we’d make it right from tomorrow. We agreed on compromise, we spoke about change, we decided on how we will avoid this in the future. How we will work on communication, how we can be more conscious of the other’s feelings and needs day to day, how we can do better and be better, for each other.
This is probably totally normal to most people, to most adults at least, but it’s just not the kind of conflict resolution I am used to. No one stormed off, no one walked away. No one punched a wall and no one made threats they had no intention of carrying out. I’m not saying it was pretty, a few swear words were probably thrown around, but ultimately it was resolved quickly with very little anger, and certainly no grudges were kept. We ended the argument further forward than we were previously, with a greater understanding of the inner thoughts of the other person. We agreed on positive steps we can both actively take to avoid these feelings developing again. To me, that’s pretty good going.
So here I am today, thanking my lucky stars that I’m in love with someone who I can communicate with honestly. Someone I can go to with my thoughts, someone who is my safe place to feel these emotions, someone who I know won’t run away when things get tricky or tough, because they are just as dedicated as me to making this work.
So three times today (well, now four) I have felt that familiar sting in my eyes, as I have thought about where I am in life, and who I am surrounded by. I have felt it as I’ve been lost in a day dream, imagining our future family plans. I have felt it as I have sat silently for a moment, totally overwhelmed with the love I have for them both and the love they both have for me. I have felt it as I have bounced around my kitchen dancing with my little boy, both singing Black Eyed Peas loud enough for the neighbours to hear and basking in the glow of true happiness and real feelings of content.
Life is not perfect, and I have no expectation that it will ever be, but it is beautiful regardless of that. I’m not writing this to show off or to brag, I’m writing this to show people who are where I was a few years ago that happiness will find you, and that one way or another you will feel that happily ever after feeling for yourself. I’m writing this to all the people who feel like life will never get any better, because I remember that feeling only too well. I feel truly sad for the person I was back then, so hopeless, so sceptical of happy endings, so distrusting of anyone who told me that “everything will be okay”. I didn’t believe a word of it, and yet here I am, totally overwhelmed with the love and joy I feel, even on this very ordinary Tuesday afternoon.
Happily ever afters aren’t quite the Disney fairy tale we are sold as kids, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Maybe riding off into the sunset doesn’t lead to a lifetime of blissful moments, maybe there will always be hard times and rocky journeys ahead. Maybe the story doesn’t end when you marry your true love; maybe life is full of sequels and spin offs with new villains, new dramas and new problems to overcome. But after it all, your happy ending more than makes up for the rough bits, the good always eventually outweighs the bad, and no Wicked Witch or Cruella de Vil will come between that. And then one day you’ll find yourself with happy tears rolling down your face on a midweek afternoon, simply because you can’t believe this happily ever after is your own.
Photos by the incredible State of Love and Trust who captured my little family with complete perfection. Give her a shout if you’re in the North of England and looking for a family or wedding photographer <3